YouOnlyLiveOnce

March 4
10:36 AM

Yep, another dream last night.

On another hand, the CenturyLink Center pissed me the fuck off. I was so pumped for this damned concert that was “$10 at the door, no tickets required” as advertised by the website. So when I walked a couple miles to the venue in the cold weather, I was pretty pumped to be able to enjoy the show with all my friends. That is, until I got to the door to pay, in which I was informed that they had been “Sold out of tickets all day”. So, a big fuck you to the CenturyLink Center and the 14,000 people that got to enjoy that show yesterday. Go die. 

Im going to make this place my journal from now on. Its the only place to sort out my jumbled mess of a head, and I need that. So if people start to read what I have to say, maybe they can relate or feel like someone out there feels the things that they feel, too. so here’s my first entry. Something I’ve had to get off of my chest for quite a while now.

March 3rd
4:30 AM

I’ve looked at your blog every day for months and months, because it makes me feel like you’re still around, and you still want me to be around, too </3

Im a sad excuse for a guy. Letting go was never as difficult for me as it is now.

Im in a real mess of things. My heart and my brain won’t let me move on, even though I know I have to, one day.

The sad thing is, every word I said about me loving you forever, it seems like it’s holding true to this very day.

Anytime my best friend mentions you, my heart drops like it did the day I lost you. Everything in the world reminds me of you, and there is no moving past that. None at all. Not one bit. So much so that I wrote this up yesterday:

I’ve been missing you, taking myself apart and trying to figure out how to put myself back together so that I could be the guy that a girl like you would want to be with even though I had been the guy you wanted back at the beginning. But then when you got to the bottom of me you found me empty and decided that I wasn’t what you wanted after all, so I’ve been trying to fill in that emptiness. And the more I try to fill the emptiness, the more empty space appears, and I’ve been trying to figure out who I want to be. Always with an eye over my shoulder looking toward an unseen image of you, trying to figure out if any step I take is the one you would want me to take, and it’s been driving me crazy. It makes me love you and hate you and want you and resent you because I don’t know who I want to be anymore except that I want to be the guy you want.

It’s been 3/4 of a year. I know, pathetic, right? And it hurts every day just as much as it did on day one. And every apology I have will never be enough. And every night that I dream, which is becoming less and less, is of you.

Every song I write, the ones that no one read because I keep them to myself, they’re all out of the things that I feel. Every emotion, every thought, every ounce of heartache out there, but never seeing daylight. I heard a song today and it reminded me of every single thing. It took away all of what I was working for, trying to forget you even exist. You know that feeling, when you hear a song, and the entire time someone is on your mind? Yeah, that’s what this was for me. And you were that someone. It goes like this:

This goes out to someone that was
Once the most important person in my life
I didn’t realize it at the time
I can’t forgive myself for the way I treated you so
I don’t really expect you to either
It’s just… I don’t even know
Just listen,

You’re the one that I want, the one that I need
The one that I gotta have just to succeed
When I first saw you, I knew it was real
I’m sorry about the pain I made you feel

That wasn’t me; let me show you the way
I looked for the sun, but it’s raining today
I remember when I first looked into your eyes
It was like God was there, heaven in the skies

I wore a disguise ‘cause I didn’t want to get hurt
But I didn’t know I made everything worse
You told me we were crazy in love
But you didn’t care when push came to shove

If you loved me as much as you said you did
Then you wouldn’t have hurt me like I ain’t shit
Now you pushed me away like you never even knew me
I loved you with my heart, really and truly

I guess you forgot about the times that we shared
When I would run my fingers through your hair
Late nights, just holding you in my arms
I don’t know how I could do you so wrong

I really wanna show you I really need to hold you
I really wanna know you like no one else could know you
You’re number one, always in my heart
And now I can’t believe that our love is torn apart

I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you

I knew you gonna sit and play this with your new man
And then sit and laugh as you’re holding his hand
The thought of that just shatters my heart
It breaks in my soul and it tears me apart

At times we was off I was scared to show you
Now I wanna hold you until I can’t hold you
Without you, everything seems strange
Your name is forever planted in my brain

Damn it, I’m insane,
Take away the pain
Take away the hurt
Baby, we can make it work

What about when you
Looked into my eyes
Told me you loved me
As you would hugged me

I guess everything you said was a lie
I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes
Now I’m not even a thought in your mind
I can see clearly, my love is not blind

I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you

[Talking:]
I just wish everything could have turned out differently
I had a special feeling about you
I thought maybe you did too
You would understand, but,
No matter what, you’ll always be in my heart
You’ll always be my baby

Our first day, it seemed so magical
I remember all the time that I had with you
Remember when you first came to my house?
You looked like an angel wearing that blouse

We hit it off, I knew it was real
But now I can’t take all the pain that I feel
Reach in your heart, I know I’m still there
I don’t wanna hear that you no longer care

Remember the times? Remember when we kissed?
I didn’t think you would ever do me like this
I didn’t think you’d wanna see me depressed
I thought you’d be there for me, this I confess

You said you were my best friend, was that a lie?
Now I’m nothing to you, you’re with another guy
I tried, I tried, I tried, and I’m trying
Now on the inside it feels like I’m dying

I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you

[Talking:]
And I do miss you
I just thought we were meant to be
I guess now, we’ll never know
The only thing I want is for you to be happy
Whether it be with me, or without me
I just want you to be happy

I guess I’ll just leave it at that.

Maybe I’ll keep this journal thing up. I hope someone gets something out of it.